If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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