Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
