apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
