If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
