I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
