So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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