he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
