U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Randomize
