I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
