you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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