Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
