This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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