i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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