Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
