i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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