I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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