whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
