I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Randomize
