the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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