fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Randomize
