i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
