Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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