just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
