now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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