sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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