Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
