Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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