Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
