i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
