My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
