we have officially lost it.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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