i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
