hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
