Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
