That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
