Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
God I need to hump something, right now.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
