my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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