remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
