go do what you do best...puke behind churches
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
