dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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