so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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