dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
