the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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