Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Randomize
