Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
