Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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