I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you win again, gameday.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
