This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Randomize
