As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
