I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I supernannyed him into submission
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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