why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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