And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
