Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
